They were hidden behind your parents telling you not to cross the street without holding their hand.
They enforced a designated bedtime, even when your favorite Disney Channel movie was on at 9/8 central.
They were the reason behind logging your reading every night for your teacher, even when you cried trying to get through a page of The Magic Tree House.
Boundaries.
We’ve been practicing setting and sticking to boundaries since before we even knew what they were.
And while they often came with complaints, or even tantrums, it’s hard to imagine how we would have turned out had we been allowed to run freely through the obstacle course of childhood without limitations.
As we grew older, the obvious boundaries became common sense, even if we chose not to follow them. We know that going to bed at a decent hour is good for us. We know that setting time aside to workout is good for our health in the long run.
From the most simple of boundaries, such as getting work done on time, to the more complex boundaries, which we will touch on in this piece, there is one principle behind boundaries that becomes more important as we get older:
Putting yourself first.
For most college students, we have spent ample time away from the authority of our parents at this point. And while some of the boundaries that they instilled as children in us may still be relevant, we, for the most part, get to decide what we will and will not tolerate in our day to day life.
Boundaries are like our own personal caution tape that we wrap around certain areas of life: Friendships, school work, romantic relationships, etc.
As we grow into ourselves, boundaries become more personal than simply going to bed by 9 p.m. Putting yourself first looks different for everyone, because, well, everyone is different.
For someone like me, who is often deemed a people-pleaser, the autonomy of defining boundaries can feel overwhelming at times. Putting myself first is a plant that requires intentional and consistent watering.
Too often, I feel as though I simply adopt the boundaries that the people around me set, even if that’s not what is truly best for me and my own needs.
Or I veer off the path completely and go for weeks without watering the put-myself-first seed and wind up shriveled up with little left to give the people in my life. I will simply wait for others to decide what will happen in my life or how I will be treated. It’s as if I am blindly awaiting rainfall when I had the resources to water myself all along.
This abandonment of boundaries can be painted in scenes such as:
Knowing that I haven’t gotten any sleep this past week and need a night to myself, but my friend really wants me to go out with her, so I’ll catch up on sleep another day.
Saying yes to someone else's terms of agreement for a relationship without affirming what I need and deserve from another person.
Failing to set aside time for myself each day before bed because my For You Page is too entertaining that night. Even though I know going on my phone before bed makes me anxious.
Boundaries are not just lines that we draw in life, but they are active choices that we make for ourselves. And no matter how small, they are all acts of self care. And the absence of them can become self neglect.
I’ve learned that if you are not the one deciding where your time, energy, and emotions go, someone else will do it for you. And there’s no promise that they have your best interest in mind.
When we think back to the most simple boundaries of childhood, they seem obvious.
Of course a kid shouldn’t cross the street by themselves. That’s dangerous.
Of course a 5-year-old should go to bed before 8 p.m. They will be tired and cranky the next day if they don’t.
Of course little kids need to learn how to read, no matter how frustrating it is or how easy it would feel to give up. It will benefit them in the long run.
It is important that we do not lose that sense of clarity in our young adult lives when determining what is good for us in the long-term, and what is simply easier in the short-term.
Short-term, it might be tempting to say yes to every invitation, even though the long-term side effect is over-exhaustion.
Short-term, it might seem okay to agree to someone else's terms and conditions for a relationship, but in the long-term, you know that your needs will not be met.
Short-term, it simply might even feel easier to believe that what those around you want is more important than your own desires, even if you lose yourself in the process.
Setting boundaries is hard. Not everyone will understand them, and you may relapse every once in a while. But the one thing that is harder is failing to set them at all. You deserve to protect your own peace more the same way that you worry about keeping the peace for others.
Whoever you lose in the process of putting yourself first probably shouldn’t hang around you anyways.
Ten years down the line, when we are looking back on these years (reminiscing on how young we were), I would like to think we will not regret choosing ourselves.
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